Monday, January 9, 2012

There WILL Be a Day

My postpartum OCD set upon me like a wildfire to a forest. Out of nowhere, a blaze began and traveled rampantly, attempting to destroy all of my joy and leave devastation in it's wake. I remember the date specifically, February 22.

As much I would like to forget this date, I will never be able to look upon it again as "just a date on a calendar".

I shared briefly with my MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) about my blog and mentioned the specificity of knowing exactly the moment my world came crashing down around me.

A fellow MOPS Mom shared with me after that she had "a date" as well. She distinctly remembered when things went awry for her as well.

My one year anniversary of my PPOCD onset is approaching quickly. I can praise God that He has graciously delivered me quickly (though not fully) from this terrifying chapter in my life, as many women do not experience the "quick" recovery I did. Many moms don't recover from a postpartum mood disorder until 1.5-2 years after the onset of their illness.

Lately I have been struggling with the "what if's". What if this comes back? What if that thought I just had means it's coming back? What if I never fully recover?

I believe this is God's way of bringing me right back to Him. Now that "happy days are here again" when those moments of uncertainty creep in, I HAVE to turn it back to Him and say, "I am Yours. You have saved me. Your Spirit is at work in me. I can look to You during feast and famine". I don't know if this episode in my life will always be a thorn for me. It is so easy to praise God when things are going well. It's also easy to take it for granted. I don't believe God punished me with a postpartum mood disorder, but I believe He allowed it for a greater purpose. He took what Satan intended for harm and destruction and turned it into something beautiful.

To quote Jeremy Camp:

"There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always"

"Listen! Your watchmen lift up their voices; together they shout for joy. When the LORD returns to Zion, they will see it with their own eyes. Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalem, for the LORD has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem."
Isaiah 52:8-9


  1. "what ifs" can be discouraging and distracting...had a friend once tell me "What if? What if a frog had wings? He would not bump his butt everytime he tried to fly" Yep, not sure what that means, but it did help me realized the "what ifs" can be irrelevant. You are a wise young woman. Sometimes we fail to recognize the attack of the deceiver and therefore do not hide ourselves in the Word of the Lord...Go you! I love how in the midst of everyday life and bigger than life struggles you continue to cling to our God and remind me how much we all depend on Him for all things at all times. I apprecaite how transparent you are, the love you have for God and your sweet family just ooozes through your writing! Love you

    1. My husband says to me, "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts everyday would be Christmas". :)

      Any wisdom I have, Teri is purely from God alone.

      I love you also and thank you for your encouragement and words of comfort.