Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I've moved!

Hi Friends,

I have recently changed my blogging venue to word press. My new site can be found at


Monday, January 9, 2012

There WILL Be a Day

My postpartum OCD set upon me like a wildfire to a forest. Out of nowhere, a blaze began and traveled rampantly, attempting to destroy all of my joy and leave devastation in it's wake. I remember the date specifically, February 22.

As much I would like to forget this date, I will never be able to look upon it again as "just a date on a calendar".

I shared briefly with my MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) about my blog and mentioned the specificity of knowing exactly the moment my world came crashing down around me.

A fellow MOPS Mom shared with me after that she had "a date" as well. She distinctly remembered when things went awry for her as well.

My one year anniversary of my PPOCD onset is approaching quickly. I can praise God that He has graciously delivered me quickly (though not fully) from this terrifying chapter in my life, as many women do not experience the "quick" recovery I did. Many moms don't recover from a postpartum mood disorder until 1.5-2 years after the onset of their illness.

Lately I have been struggling with the "what if's". What if this comes back? What if that thought I just had means it's coming back? What if I never fully recover?

I believe this is God's way of bringing me right back to Him. Now that "happy days are here again" when those moments of uncertainty creep in, I HAVE to turn it back to Him and say, "I am Yours. You have saved me. Your Spirit is at work in me. I can look to You during feast and famine". I don't know if this episode in my life will always be a thorn for me. It is so easy to praise God when things are going well. It's also easy to take it for granted. I don't believe God punished me with a postpartum mood disorder, but I believe He allowed it for a greater purpose. He took what Satan intended for harm and destruction and turned it into something beautiful.

To quote Jeremy Camp:

"There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always"

"Listen! Your watchmen lift up their voices; together they shout for joy. When the LORD returns to Zion, they will see it with their own eyes. Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalem, for the LORD has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem."
Isaiah 52:8-9

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Reaching into the New Year

I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions. Short lived and unreachable, most resolutions (from my perspective) are self-driven and temporal. I can't think of one resolution that I have made that I have actually followed through with.

I have so many "things" I am resolute to complete.....clean out the closets of debris and clutter....exercise more...drink more well....seeing my passion for writing and photography become lucrative....the list goes on.

As I enter 2012, I look back on 2011. A lot individuals close to me have had a difficult year. Many, myself included, have said, "This year has got to be better".

As I reflect upon my postpartum experience, I remember saying to my therapist at one point, "I would rather receive a cancer diagnosis than to go through this." Sometimes I still feel that way.

We don't get to choose the crosses that God has given us to bear on this side of heaven. We do get to respond to how we carry it. I couldn't write these words in the midst of my postpartum illness. If you are in the gut-wrenching hell that it is, I wouldn't expect you to have that mindset either.

Let me clarify that while I feel I have "recovered" from my postpartum experience, this isn't to say I don't have bad days. It feels like postpartum PTSD. Thinking, "Really?? Did I go through all of that? What if it comes back? What if I am really not better? What if this medication is the only thing keeping me going?"

That's when I tell Satan to shove it.

So I have obviously deviated from the beginning of my post but now I will attempt to tie it together. I don't like resolutions. I can do nothing in my own power and strength. I am resolute to not make a New Year's resolution. :)

A devotional I read a few days ago struck a cord with me and has stuck with me. A portion of the devotion from Wisdom Hunter's reads as follows:

"There are rival voices in the mind of a Christian that compete for the ear of God. Another voice cries out for healing of a diseased body. A sincere voice asks to know God’s will and direction for living. All of these voices vie for the Lord’s attention and are close to His heart. But there is one request that collates all of these needs—to enter into the presence of Jesus in prayer."

It continues, "We need the personalized presence of Christ like a hiker reaching a mountain summit needs oxygen. It is in this place of praise that we see the beauty of His holiness and we study at His feet. The doors to His house of worship are always open to our hungry heart and inquisitive mind. We enter into His courts because He is the One Thing we need."

Oh Jesus, please let this be the prayer of my heart, to hunger for You. To be aware of Your presence always. To dive into it with exuberance. May the temptation of idleness be easy to push away so that I may relish in time well spent with You. I praise You for the healing You have provided and pray that I would always remain humble.

So, this year, I just want Jesus. All of Him. What that looks like I don't know. I suspect that it is going to quiet the raucous in my fallen mind. I need Him each day for restoration, rejuvenation, and to be who He wants me to be.

I want to keep this year simple. Simply about Christ.

Yet, I can't even do this on my own. God's grace and love have been revealed to me by his mercy, and I am forever in awe.

I choose to have a theme "word" for this year vice a resolution: Striving.

Striving to be in His presence, striving to combat Satan and his lies with the Word of God. Striving to take what was meant by the enemy to destroy me and turn it into something beautiful.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and striving toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 3:13-14